"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L
convertible."
Unknown.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a
ride-on vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne.

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children".
A Mum.

Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General
Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for
forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and
abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them
is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."